The Princess Bride Gets LOST
by pusca
Summary: I turned the Princess Bride into a story using the Losties. :D Better summary inside. : This is a Kate/Sawyer Skate centric story.


So, I was inspired to mix The Princess Bride and LOST together after joking around with one of my friends about putting LOST characters in as characters in the movie. I did not write this. This is the screenplay from The Princess Bride. The only writing I did was changing the names of characters and changing some of the situations to better fit the story of LOST. I do not own any of the characters, the storyline, etc. Hope you all enjoy! :D

--

**CAST LIST**

_James "Sawyer" Ford_

WESTLEY

--

_Katherine Austen_

BUTTERCUP

--

_Sayid Jarrah_

INIGO

--

_Jack Sheppard_

PRINCE HUMPERDINCK

--

_Benjamin Linus_

COUNT RUGEN

--

_John Locke_

VIZZINI

--

_Mr. Eko_

FEZZIK

--

_Aaron_

THE KID

--

_Charlie Pace_

THE GRANDFATHER (I made him the father, though)

--

_Desmond Hume_

IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN

--

_Rose Henderson-Nadler_

VALERIE

--

_Tom_

ALBINO

--

_Bernard Nadler_

MIRACLE MAX

--

_Hugo "Hurley" Reyes_

YELLIN

--

_Claire Littleton_

MOTHER

--

_Sun-Hwa Kwon_

QUEEN

--

_Jin-Soo Kwon_

KING

--

**AND SO WE BEGIN...**

**FADE IN ON:**

**A VIDEO GAME ON A COMPUTER SCREEN.**  
_The game is in progress. As a sick coughing sound is heard._

**CUT TO:**

**AARON**

_lying in bed, coughing. Pale, one sick cookie. Maybe he's seven or eight or nine. He holds a remote in one hand, presses it, and the video game moves a little bit. Then he's hit by another spasm of coughing, puts the remote down. _

_His room is monochromatic, greys and blues, mildly high-tech. We're in the present day and this is a middle class house, somewhere in the suburbs. _

**CUT TO:**

_Aaron's MOTHER, Claire, as she enters, goes to him, fluffs his pillows, kissses him, and briefly feels his forehead. She's worried, it doesn't show. During this – _

CLAIRE

You feeling any better?

AARON

A little bit.

CLAIRE

Guess what.

AARON

What?

CLAIRE

Your father's here.

AARON

(_not overjoyed_)

Mom, can't you tell him that I'm sick?

CLAIRE

You are sick, that's why he's here.

AARON

He'll sing a line from his song from his old rock band. I hate that.

CLAIRE

Maybe he won't.

_Aaron shoots her an "I'm sure" look, as we _

**CUT TO:**

_AARON'S FATHER, CHARLIE, bursting into the room. Kind of rumpled. But the eyes are bright. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm as be immediately goes to Aaron, sings, "You all everybody!" in an annoyingly high falsetto. _

CHARLIE

Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?

_Aaron gives Claire an "I told you so" look. Claire ignores it, beats a retreat. _

CLAIRE

I think I'll leave you two pals.

(_And she is gone. There's an uncomfortable silence, then-_)

CHARLIE

I brought you a special present.

AARON

What is it?

CHARLIE

Open it up.

_The Kid does. He does his best to smile. _

AARON

A book?

CHARLIE

That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and today, I'm gonna read it to you.

AARON

Has it got any sports in it?

**CUT TO:**

**THE GRANDFATHER**

_Suddenly passionate. _

CHARLIE

Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles.

**CUT TO:**

_THE TWO OF THEM as Charlie sits in a chair by the bed. _

AARON

(_manages a shrug_)

It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.

CHARLIE

Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right.

(_Book open now, he begins to read_.)

The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Kate was raised on a small farm on the middle of a beautiful, tropical island.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

_The story he's reading about, as the monochromatic look of the bedroom is replaced by the dazzling color of the exotic farm. _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Sawyer, but she never called him that.

(_to Aaron_)

Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

AARON

(_off-screen_)

(_doing his best_)

Yeah. It's really good.

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

(_reading_)

Nothing gave Kate as much pleasure as ordering Sawyer around.

**CUT TO:**

**KATE'S FARM - DAY**

_KATE is standing, holding the reins of her horse, while in the background, SAWYER, in the stable doorway, looks at her. Kate is in her mid-twenties; doesn't care much about clothes and she hates brushing her long hair, so she isn't as attractive as she might be, but she's still probably the most beautiful woman in the world. _

KATE

Farm boy. Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

SAWYER

(_quietly, watching her_)

As you wish.

_Sawyer is perhaps six years older than Kate. And maybe as handsome as she is beautiful. He gazes at her as she walks away. _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

"As you wish" was all he ever said to her.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

_SAWYER, outside, chopping wood. KATE drops two large buckets near him_.

KATE

Farm Boy. Fill these with water --

(_a beat_)

--please.

SAWYER

As you wish.

_She leaves; his eyes stay on her. She stops, turns -- he manages to look away as now her eyes stay on him. _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**KATE IN THE HATCH - DUSK**

_Sawyer enters with an armload of firewood_.

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

KATE

(_pointing to a pitcher that she could reach herself_)

Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher.

_He gets it, hands it to her; they are standing very close to each other gazing into each other's eyes. _

SAWYER

As you wish.

(_Now he turns, moves outside_.)

**DISSOLVE TO:**

_SAWYER AND KATE, outside his tiny hovel in the red glow of sunset. They are locked in a passionate kiss. _

AARON

(_off-screen_)

Hold it! Hold it!

**CUT TO:**

**AARON'S ROOM**

AARON

What is this? Are you trying to trick me? -- Where's the sports? -- Is this a kissing book?

CHARLIE

-- wait, just wait --

AARON

-- well, when does it get good?

CHARLIE

Keep your shirt on. Let me read.

(_reading again_)

Sawyer had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the ocean to the other island.

**CUT TO:**

**SAWYER AND KATE**

_They stand near the gate to the farm, locked in an embrace_.

CHARLIE

(_off-screen)_

_(reading_)

It was a very emotional time for Kate --

AARON

(_off-screen)_

_(groaning_)

I don't be-leeve this.

KATE

I fear I'll never see you again.

SAWYER

Of course you will.

KATE

But what if something happens to you?

SAWYER

Hear this now: I will come for you.

KATE

But how can you be sure?

SAWYER

This is true love. You think this happens every day?

_He smiles at her, she smiles too, throws her arms so tightly around him. They kiss. Then as Sawyer walks away, Kate watches him go. _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen)_

_(reading_)

Sawyer didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Others, who never left captives alive. When Kate got the news that Sawyer was murdered --

AARON

(_off-screen)_

_(perking up a little_)

-- murdered by others is good --

**CUT TO:**

_CLOSE UP: Kate, staring out the flap of her tent_.

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

She went into her tent and shut the flap. And for days, she neither slept nor ate.

KATE

(_no emotion at all in her voice_)

I will never love again.

_HOLD ON HER FACE, perfect and perfectly sad_.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**THE ISLAND - DAY**

_The beach on the island is full of people, livestock, and a bustling marketplace. _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen)_

_(reading_)

Five years later, the beach was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Dr. Jack Sheppard's bride-to be.

**CUT TO:**

_Dr. Jack Sheppard, a surgeon of incredible power and bearing, standing in his usual dirty and worn attire on a large rock. Three others standing behind him: an OLD COUPLE with crowns, SUN AND JIN, the aging KING AND QUEEN of the island, and a dark bearded man who seems the Doctor's match in strength: this is BENJAMIN LINUS. _

JACK

(_raises his hands, starts to speak_)

My people ... a month from now, our island will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves --

(_pause_)

-- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?

_And the answering YESSSS booms like summer thunder_.

**CUT TO:**

_A giant hill leading to the CROWD and as a FIGURE just begins to become visible_,

**CUT TO:**

_THE CROWD, as they see the figure. (We haven't yet.) And if there is such a thing as collective action, then this crowd, collectively, holds its breath. _

**CUT TO:**

_THE HILL, as the figure appears at the top. It is Kate, and she resplendent. _

JACK

My people ... the lady Kate!!

_She descends the hill and starts to move amongst the people. _

**CUT TO:**

_THE CROWD, and they do a very strange thing: with no instruction at all, they suddenly burst into applause. Great waves of people applauding and -- _

**CUT TO:**

_KATE, terribly moved. She stands immobile among the people, blinking back tears. HOLD on her beauty for a moment. _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

Kate's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Jack the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.

**CUT TO:**

**FOREST**

_-- and Kate, barreling along, controlling her horse easily. _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

Despite Jack's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.

**CUT TO:**

**A WOODED GLEN, CLOSE TO SUNDOWN.**

_Lovely, quiet, deserted. Kate suddenly reins in. _

VOICE

A word, my lady?

**CUT TO:**

_THREE MEN, standing close together in the path. Beyond them can be seen the waters of the ocean. The three men are not your everyday commuter types. Standing in front is a tiny man with the most angelic face. He is bald and his name is JOHN LOCKE. Beside him is an Iraqi, erect and taut as a blade of steel. His name is SAYID JARAH. Beside him is a giant. His name is MR. EKO. _

LOCKE

We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?

KATE

There is nothing nearby; not for miles.

LOCKE

Then there will be no one to hear you scream-

_He nods to the giant, Mr. Eko, who merely reaches over, touches a nerve on Kate's neck, and the start of a scream is all she manages -- unconsciousness comes that fast. As she starts to fall -- _

**CUT TO:**

**A TINY ISOLATED SPOT AT THE EDGE OF THE OCEAN**

_A raft is moored. It's dusk now, shadows are long. Sayid, the Iraqi, busies himself getting the raft ready. _

**CUT TO:**

_The giant Mr. Eko carries Kate, unconscious, on board. _

_Locke rips some tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket and tucks them along the saddle of Kate's horse. There is about the entire operation a sense of tremendous skill and precision. _

SAYID

What is that you're ripping?

LOCKE

(_not stopping or turning_)

It's fabric from the uniform of an Other.

EKO

Who's Other?

LOCKE

(_pointing straight out_)

From the island across the sea. The sworn enemy of this island.

(_slaps the horse's rump_)

Go!

_The horse takes off. They start for the raft. _

LOCKE

Once the horse reaches the beach, the fabric will make the Doctor suspect the Others have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Other island, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.

EKO

You never said anything about killing anyone.

_Locke hops onto the raft_.

LOCKE

I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition.

EKO

I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.

LOCKE

(_whirling on _

_EKO_)

Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!

SAYID

I agree with Eko.

**CUT TO:**

**CLOSE UP: Locke, in a fury.**

LOCKE

(_We only thought he was in a fury -- now he's really getting mad_)

Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern -- I will kill her --

(_louder_)

And remember this -- never forget this --

**CUT TO:**

SAYID AND EKO, as Locke advances on them. Nothing shows on Sayid's face, but Eko is panicked by Locke.

LOCKE

(_to Sayid)_

-- when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy --

(_now to EKO, who retreats as much as he can while Locke advances_)

-- and you -- friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless -- Do you want me to send you back to where you were, alone in the forest?

_Locke glares at him, then turns, leaves them. _

_During this, Sayid has gone close to Eko, who is very distressed at the insults he's just received. As Sayid casts off. _

SAYID

(_softly_)

That Locke, he can fuss.

(_a slight emphasis on the last word_)

EKO

(_looking at Sayid_)

... fuss ... fuss ...

(_Suddenly, he's got it again, emphasis on the last word_.)

I think he likes to scream at us.

SAYID

Probably he means no harm.

EKO

He's really very short on charm.

SAYID

(_proudly_)

Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme.

EKO

Yes, some of the time.

(_he starts to smile_)

LOCKE

(_whirling on them_)

Enough of that.

_As they sail off, we hear their voices as the raft recedes. _

SAYID

Eko, are there rocks ahead?

EKO

If there are, we'll all be dead.

LOCKE

No more rhymes now, I mean it.

EKO

Anybody want a peanut?

As Locke screams, we:

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**THE RAFT RACING ACROSS THE DARK WATERS**

_Sayid is at the helm, Eko stands near the body of Kate, whose eyelids flutter slightly -- or do they? Locke sits motionless. The waves are higher, there are only occasional flashes of moon slanting down between clouds. _

LOCKE

_(to Sayid_)

We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn.

_Sayid nods, glances back. _

LOCKE

Why are you doing that?

INIGO

Making sure nobody's following us.

VIZZINI

That would be inconceivable.

KATE

Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, Jack will see you all hanged.

_Locke turns a cold eye on Kate. _

LOCKE

Of all the necks on this boat, lady, the one you should be worrying about is your own.

_Sayid keeps staring behind them_.

LOCKE

Stop doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over-

SAYID

You're sure nobody's following us?

LOCKE

As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable! No one on the Other Island knows what we've done. And no one on The Island could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

SAYID

No reason. It's only, I just happened to look behind us, and something is there.

LOCKE

What?!

_And suddenly the three whirl, stare back and as they do -- _

**CUT TO:**

**THE DARKNESS BEHIND THEM. **

_It's hard to see; the moon is behind clouds now. But the wind whistles. And the waves pound. And suddenly it's all gone ominous. _

**CUT TO:**

_SAYID, EKO, AND LOCKE squinting back, trying desperately to see. At this moment, they are all holding their breaths. _

**CUT TO:**

**THE DARKNESS BEHIND THEM.**

_And there's still nothing to be seen. It's still ominous. Only now it's eerie too. _

_Then -- _

_The moon slips through and -- _

_Sayid was right -- something is very much there. A large raft. Black. With a great billowing sail. Black. It's a good distance behind them, but it's coming like hell, closing the gap. _

**CUT TO:**

**SAYID, EKO, AND LOCKE**

_staring at the other raft. _

LOCKE

(_explaining with as much logic as he can muster_)

Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters.

_And now as a sound comes from their boat they turn as we _

**CUT TO:**

_KATE, diving into the water, starting to swim away. _

**CUT TO:**

**THE RAFT,**

_and Locke screaming. _

LOCKE

Go in, get after her!

SAYID

I don't swim.

EKO

(_to the unasked question_)

I only dog paddle.

LOCKE

Veer left. Left. Left!

**CUT TO:**

**KATE,**

_still close to the boat, switching from a crawl to a silent breast stroke. The wind dies and as it does, something new is heard. A not-too-distant high-pitched shrieking sound. Kate stops suddenly, treads water. _

**CUT TO:**

**THE RAFT**

LOCKE

Do you know what that sound is, lady? Those are the Shrieking Eels -- if you doubt me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh.

**CUT TO:**

_KATE, treading water, still not far from the raft. The shrieking sounds are getting louder and more terrifying. Kate stays silent. _

**CUT TO:**

**THE RAFT**

LOCKE

If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you will get such an offer from the Eels.

**CUT TO:**

_KATE, and she's a gutsy girl. The shrieking sound is louder still, but she doesn't make a sound. Behind her now, something dark and gigantic slithers past. _

_She's scared, sure, petrified, who wouldn't be, but she makes no reply -- _

_-- and now a SHRIEKING EEL has zeroed in on her -- _

_-- and now she sees it, a short distance away, circling, starting to close -- _

_-- and Kate is frozen, trying not to make a movement of any kind -- _

_-- and the Eel slithers closer, closer -- _

_-- and Kate knows it now, there's nothing she can do, it's over, all over -- _

_-- and now the Eel opens its mouth wide, and it's never made such a noise, and as its great jaws are about to clamp down -- _

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

She doesn't get eaten by the Eels at this time.

_And the second we hear him: _

**CUT TO:**

**AARON'S ROOM**

_Aaron looks the same, pale and weak, but maybe he's gripping the sheets a little too tightly with his hands. _

AARON

What?

CHARLIE

The Eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.

AARON

Well, I wasn't nervous.

_Charlie says nothing, just waits. _

AARON

Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned. But that's not the same thing.

CHARLIE

Because I can stop now if you want.

AARON

No. You could read a little bit more ... if you want.

(_He grips the sheets again, as Charlie picks up the book_)

CHARLIE

(_reading_)

"Do you know what that sound is, lady?"

**CUT TO:**

**LOCKE.**

_We're back in the boat_.

LOCKE

Those are the Shrieking Eels.

AARON

(_off-screen_)

We're past that, Dad.

**CUT TO:**

**AARON'S ROOM**

AARON

You read it already.

CHARLIE

Oh. Oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.

**CUT TO:**

**KATE,**

_treading water_.

CHARLIE

(_off-screen_)

All right, all right, let's see. Uh, she was in the water, the Eel was coming after her. She was frightened. The Eel started to charge her. And then -

_And we're back where we were at the last moment we saw her, Kate frozen, the Shrieking Eel, jaws wide, about to clamp down as we _

**CUT TO:**

**A GIANT ARM,**

_pounding the Eel unconscious in one move, then easily lifting Kate. _

_PULL BACK TO REVEAL _

_The raft and Eko, Kate being deposited on the deck. _

LOCKE

Put her down. Just put her down.

**CUT TO:**

**SAYID, **

_pointing behind them_.

SAYID

I think he's getting closer.

_Locke, tying Kate's hands. _

LOCKE

He's no concern of ours. Sail on!

(_to Kate_)

I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

KATE

(_staring deep at him_)

Only compared to some.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

_The raft at dawn, being followed closely by the black raft, which we can see for the first time is being sailed by a MAN IN BLACK, and his raft almost seems to be flying_.

SAYID

Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.

LOCKE

Whoever he is, he's too late --

(_pointing ahead of them_)

-- see?

(_big_)

The Cliffs of Insanity!

--

Soooo... How was it?? I know the format is a little bit annoying, but I left it in its screenplay form. This is Part 1. If it gets good reviews and you guys want me to keep going, then it will be about... 5 parts long. ) I hope everybody enjoys this! Please leave reviews! :)

:)


End file.
